On life and loss

I’m writing after a long time, and as I write, I’m not sure If I’ll be able to put in words how I feel, but right now, I feel the need to write, perhaps more than ever .It’s like applying a soothing balm to the pain felt by the heart, it wont heal the wound, but the pain might temporarily subside. Sometimes, life can be harsh. Some things, like the departure of a loved one leave a permanent void in our life and there is absolutely nothing that we can do to overcome the loss. Last week, my beloved grandmother passed away, leaving us with nothing but beautiful memories. Throughout her life, my grandma has always been a courageous woman, always ready to face any challenge that life threw at her, but after four long months of suffering, and battling cancer, we eventually had to say our final goodbyes to her as she breathed her last. It’s incredibly painful to see near and dear ones in such agony and cancer is an utterly brutal disease, so we try to find comfort by knowing that her suffering has finally come to an end. But that’s an explanation which the heart doesn’t understand easily. Till the very last minute, the heart quite naively, was still wishing for a miracle. 

 My grandmother was a kind, caring and selfless woman, who was always a joy to be around.  She understood that life is all about giving rather than receiving love and poured her love out to everyone she met, regardless of age or relationship. Even in her final days, I remember her warm smile while lying down on the bed as soon as she saw me and my parents walk into her immaculate, spotlessly clean room. Although, she had become too weak to even speak to us, but that smile of hers had spoken volumes about the love and contentment she felt upon seeing us. The smile spoke of peace and comfort, the kind of emotions a lost child feels upon seeing the parents. A smile that silently said “Now that all my children and grandchildren are with me , I’ll be alright.”

 I’m very blessed to have known her for 25 years and would love to be a copy-cat and grow up to be just like her in personality and appearance.  She was a very soft-spoken, polite and gracious lady. I always admired that about her. When she spoke, she spoke with the gentleness of a rose petal, a quality that seems too old-fashioned in today’s rowdy and fast paced world. She taught me an important lesson,  that it’s the little things in life that actually matter, treating others with respect, forgiving the ones that hurt you, being grateful for whatever you have, and never losing hope.  

I’ll always miss you daadi, the way you elegantly draped your saaris , your love for pearls, and the smell of Yardley powder you’d leave on my shirt, after a tight, loving hug.